My Identity as a Woman | Reflections on Freedom, Roots, and Divorce
Dear Reader,
A new idea has been dancing through my thoughts since that little bird in me finally found the courage to take flight.
It’s an idea about freedom and what it means to be all my own.
Despite being separated over a year now, and divorced nearly as long, I still don’t fully have my own name back. It’s brought up this whole barrel of feelings around how disgusting it is to have a system where women are just casually supposed to be delighted to be come “Mrs. SomeoneElse.”
Women are expected to literally change their name, what they are called. Who they are. Their identity.
Men Aren’t Asked To Change - And They’d Probably Be Mocked If They Did.
When I got married at 18, “all that legal stuff” didn’t mean much to me. Society’s rules and expectations and social norms weren’t worth more than an eyeroll from me… but now as a woman learning to become her own independent entity in the world, and especially as a women strongly driven by values and a mission in my life, I’m realizing how important connection and placement in the outside world matter.
… not because status symbols make me any more or less worthy or relevant as a person, but because how I treat and present myself indicates to others how they should treat me and on what level they should expect to interact with me.
Over the past couple years, I’ve realized I’m an inspirational influence to a lot of people, and… as I’ve grown my business and learned to take financial responsibility not only for myself, but also for the family and legacy I’ll someday leave behind, I’ve come to appreciate the value of community.
I’m realizing that systemic issues can’t be changed alone.
This deep calling I feel to be involved and to help bring about the changes I’d like to see in the world mean I need to engage with the world, the actual people around me.
This means standing in the world with them, not staying high-and-mighty above it, too cool and detached to care what they think of the meaning of a woman’s last name. I am my own person, and I didn’t know it at 18 years old, but I was never one who belonged in a love that would steal away all of who I was in order to fit the mold of a perfect wife… a radiant daughter, a mother, someone everyone could be proud of.
As my marriage dragged on, I fought my curiosity and longing for adventure at every turn.
I distracted myself with acceptably domestic exploration instead: herbalism, feminist literature, animal rights activism, minimalism. I tried to transform that life into something clean, pure, natural, and simple… taking up as little space, making up as little impact as possible.
And while those issues are still near and dear to my heart, they were never the point for me. It was never enough. I’m not one to leave as little impact as possible; I hope for quite the opposite!
I want them to know I was here for the change I helped to spark, for the waves I made…
For the joys and freedoms and craziness I inspired them to dive into, for the magic they made with the fifteen seconds of courage I inspired in them.
That is what Birds do, don’t you think?
We inspire people to fly a little higher, to look up, to dream bigger, to question and wonder… to spread their wings.
As I’ve leaned into this radiant new love I’ve stumbled into, I’ve also broken free from the rotted roots of hesitation that held me back in the past. Caution and fear have deteriorated and fell away from my heart… My own precious little light has never shown through so brightly, and I am grateful for it every single day.
In the beginning, I found myself constantly questioning this fragile new bond of partnership… wondering how long it could last and if it went against my values to stay in a love I was certain could never really last. (Living with cystic fibrosis, quality over quantity and deeply living and feeling every single day are deeply important to me.) I wondered very early on if I could ever see myself marrying this man - then shook my head at the realization that I was wondering about marriage before I even had my own name back. Before I even considered what I actually might want (or not want).
Why was it so hard to just be my own person?
It was really uncomfortable, and recognizing that discomfort got me curious! Who am I really? Why is marriage so important to me? I didn’t put that there, did I? Did someone teach me to aspire to marriage, and that if I was not married or shortly planning to be, that I was out of place? Doing something wrong?
Logically, I knew this was a belief that came from being raised in our culture where women are taught to aspire to be wives and mothers. (Thanks, Disney.) But on a deeper level, there was a nagging feeling like I wasn’t doing the right thing, I was missing something and needed to fix myself. I haven’t been thinking of it constantly, but it’s a nudge that comes up and plays with me every now and then and with each visit, the truth becomes more clear.
Now, when questions of marriage come to mind, my instinct isn’t to wonder “if,” but instead to make a conscious note of how I feel and what I want. Is there some need I haven’t taken care of in myself? Am I feeling a lack of love, and how can I give that to myself instead of leaning into someone else for it? These thoughts have transformed my picture of marriage completely - I no longer see marriage as finding the one who completes you, but instead as the coming together of two who are already complete. I find strength and inspiration to take the best care of myself, to be my most expansive, radiant, fulfilled, and loving self - most especially when I consider the possibility of ever marrying again. I know what I want, trust myself, and know how to deeply love and honor myself more and more.
I am stronger than I have ever been, and I am still learning what it means to be my whole self.
Tomorrow, I expect to finally have my name back, 100%, so long as the powers that be at the South Carolina DMV accept my documents. (I’m so excited!) When I got the date set, a flood of thoughts around the ten year relationship I had with my ex came up in a new way… I started thinking about the way I didn’t miss a single thing… and that I just wanted to make sure I left nothing out of place as I turned away from that part of my life for good, no longer pitying the man who couldn’t hold on to me or feeling guilt for the way I could never quite force myself to just sit in silent gratitude and let it all be enough.
I felt a push to write out the story that was supposed to be my whole entire life, that marriage, to see the milestones and dark patches all in a line…
I wanted something I could wrap my mind around, because time never feels like it’s passing in a linear fashion. It was all jumbled up, and I wanted to see the facts. I was shocked to find anger in the reflections, though. I realized there was no more pity - instead, I saw manipulations. I saw the ways I was constantly asked to shrink or made to feel guilty for dreaming too big, to playfully. For not being careful.
I felt frustrated with myself for the resentment and superiority I felt in these reflections.
That’s not who I am, I thought. I don’t believe anyone is capable of being better than anyone else. We all have these loving cores and we’re just doing our best with what we have. And yet… the anger in me insisted I didn’t deserve to be shut down all that time. I was too playful, too brave, and too driven by passion and curiosity to ever be happy with someone who thrived in the predictable comfort of security nets and what is known.
With my sister’s help, I was able to let go of the anger and resentment and lay it down beside the pity and superiority I never wanted to carry… and instead, I found gratitude and peace.
I found love, joy, and gratitude for myself, for having the courage to end what was hurting me, to trust my light and listen to my soul, to forgive myself and take a risk.
I was so afraid that my ex was right about me.
He thought I was a selfish fool, chasing some pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. That I’d never be happy because I never let enough be enough, I always wanted to explore something new, learn more, go a little further. “It’s never enough for you, is it” still stung in the back of my mind any time inspiration would hit.
But I also love reflection. One of my core values is honoring nuance…
Honoring and allowing time and space for the soul to shine through… listening to that deeper calling. I wish I could go back and tell myself that I could never be “just a selfish fool,” because I was too intentional to let that happen. There was love and care and compassion in every decision I made. I considered who I could be hurting, if my decisions were harder on the planet than I needed to be, if I was disrespecting any culture or creator.
The biggest lesson I learned in all of these reflections:
I am deeply myself, and that does not make me selfish.
Because when I am myself, I am my best for everyone else as well. When I am myself, I am generous, loving, patient, gracious, gentle, thoughtful, funny, playful… When I am myself, I reach out to help, I ask for the help that I need, I share what I’ve learned, and I find ways to connect and show love.
It’s when I shrink myself out of fear or caution that I am being selfish, because when I try to shrink and hold back, I hesitate. I hesitate to offer a helping hand, I resist asking for help when I need it, I keep to myself instead of sharing my struggles and lessons learned. When I shrink, my light dims and I feel more irritable, resentful, and hopeless. I struggle to find my own light, let alone share it. I turn to others for everything when I am not myself. It makes me an energy vampire, instead of a generative light in the world.
When I thought being myself was selfish, I always told myself I needed to grow deeper roots.
“Sit still and feel gratitude for what you already have,” I’d tell myself. I felt like I was too much of an air sign (Libra here)… I was too flighty, spacy, inspired. I’m a writer, I have a lot of ideas and love to create… But when it comes to tangible things… money in the bank, dates and times, the steps it takes to actually execute an idea… I’ve always found that a lot harder to connect with.
Since waking up to the value of community and coming to appreciate the structure of society enough to embrace some part in it, this has changed some, but it’s still not one of my top strengths by any stretch of the imagination.
What I realized was that I was focusing on roots because I thought I should.
(Should. The word that kills all of the best intentions.)
What I know now is that the purpose of roots is to give the rest of the plant the strength to bloom!
To prepare for pollination, the passing on of its genetic message… to grow not only its own plant, but the entire garden… the ecosystem as a whole.
I always thought I should develop roots to be better grounded and less of an “aimless ball of inspiration,” as I called myself. Now I know better. I want to grow roots so that I can continue to bloom. Roots to keep me strong and grounded through the storms, to help me continue to ripple my impact even through hard times.
And… I already have those roots.
They’re my values. My loyalty. My discernment. My love, my faith. They’re the roots that have kept me kind, curious, compassionate, and courageous through every step of my journey.
It’s not the roots I need to be looking down at. If I want to make an impact, my job from here is to bloom! To be bright, to invite the bees in. To share the message and drop seeds. Nurturing my roots comes naturally to me. It’s in the air, the sun, the water I can’t live without. My longing for nature and creativity is where my roots come from. They will not leave me.
I can trust myself.
And I think, just maybe, that’s what it means to be my own person in this world.
Maybe I’m already doing it.
(And, hey, maybe you are too.)
With love,
Vera
This article was originally written in 2020. I’ve updated it in 2025 under an entirely new name. You’ll be able to read more about that soon!
